The true list
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my babies. The truth is just because you never saw my babies doesn't mean they don't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about my babies and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my babies. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my babies with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about my babies more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my babies. The truth is I love my babies and need to talk about them.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my babies died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my babies, the love I feel for my babies, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my babies are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my babies never existed. The truth is we both know I had babies growing inside me.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my babies doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you wouldn't think that my babies weren't really babies and they were blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my babies were human lives. My babies had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my babies' body and face. My babies were real people - and they were alive.
13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my babies were born and the days I lost my babies are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing my babies has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the babies I lost and no other baby can replace them. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my babies or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my babies. The truth is my babies were perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?
Poem from a Sympathy Card
We are all creatures
of this great earth -
interconnected in ways
beyond understanding.
Take elephants.
So big.
So strong.
And yet,
when a member
of the herd passes,
even elephants mourn.
They gather around.
extend their trunks,
and gently touch
the tusks
of their fallen friend.
It's their ritual.
It's how they heal.
And it's sad.
And it's beautiful.
So maybe
what we're trying to say
is that the world
doesn't expect you
to be fine with this.
Be how you need to be.
Mourn how you need to mourn.
And know that
you're thought of
with love.
-author unknown
“A Pair of Shoes”
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are, might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
- Author unknown
We are Parents
We are the parents who said goodbye too soon. We are the mothers and fathers who have no memories of smiles, hugs and ‘I love yous’. We are the parents who grieve for lives never lived. The parents who see our children grow alongside yours; only ours grow in our minds.
Yet, we are also the parents whose children remain sweet and innocent, newborns eternally.
We are the mothers with everlasting empty arms, and the fathers with eternal broken hearts.
We are the parents who cry when no one is watching, to save you the uncomfortableness of our pain. We are the parents whose hearts break each time we remember, sometimes hundreds of times a day, all dealt with internally.
We are the ones for whom every event has a part of sadness. The ones who cry in the shower, in the car, in the dark.
We are the parents who hurt so badly because we love so much.
The parents of the forgotten children. The children who had no chance to draw us a picture, preform a dance, or to sing us a song. The children who didn’t get to draw a breath, feel the earths atmosphere or let out a cry. Our children who we wrapped and loved, then we were forced to let go of too soon.
Our children are the ones who didn’t get the chance to make friends, or cakes, or mud pies. Our children who never got to go to school, answer back to us, or go to a ball. Our children who will have no first kiss, no true love, no wedding, no children of their own.
Our children, whom we long to hold so badly, it leaves us pained, sometimes so over whelmed it is hard to breathe. Our children who we long to be reunited with, when our time comes.
We are the parents forced to say goodbye too soon. The ones who ache eternally, no matter how you think we shouldn’t. Do not judge a broken heart unless you too have felt this pain, words can do no justice. Only know we are doing the best we can.
Please don’t forget who we are. It may have been years since we lost a child, but the heart knows no time.
And please, don’t ever forget to remember who our children are. They will forever make us who we are.
(Written with love by Tania Pulman 2007
forever loving my Cole, born Still 08/01/03)
Remember the little ones - Baby loss awareness week 2009
