Peanut is out!!

Peanut was born on Friday, October 12th at 12:19pm. We only had 4 requests during the c-section.
1. Leave the cord long so that Brian could trim it (he cut the cord for Jackson and Benjamin and trimmed it for Lexi).
2. Lower the drape when they pull the baby out so that we could both see him/her be born (the c-section took place in the main OR so there was no mirror available).
3. Don't announce the gender, let us see and announce it ourselves.
4. Make the baby cry right away. Even if they had to poke it and annoy the bejeepers out of it, we had to hear a cry immediately. When Lexi was born she was far too quiet and it kinda scared me.

So at 12:18 they lowered the drape. At 12:19 we got to see those perfect little boy bits and announce that we had another SON!! A loud, screaming, glorious son. He was 8 pounds 2 ounces and 20" of perfect baby.

The c-section went well with absolutely no complications. We were taken to recovery and then our room in the mother babe unit. Jackson, Lexi and Aunt Sarah were able to come and visit that afternoon. It was wonderful seeing all the kids together. I think everyone was surprised that Peanut was a boy (except me, my mom and Brian's mom, we all thought he would be a boy). We debated over his name for the rest of that day and most of Saturday. His name is Thomas Ross. His nickname is still Peanut (I have to admit Lexi and I mostly call him Peanut, lol). I'm having a hard time remembering that his name is Thomas. It does not come naturally to me.

The amazing part? Peanut did not have jaundice. Yep, you read that right. OUR baby did not have jaundice! Did not need phototherapy. Did not need to visit the NICU. We got to go home TWO days later!! We honestly felt like it was all too good to be true and we had to speed away from the hospital before they realized their mistake and admitted him back to the NICU.

But now, 12 days later and he is still perfect. Still not yellow. Still healthy and loud. It still seems surreal.

So we have another son. When they lowered the drape and I got to see that he was a boy I bawled. I think it alarmed Brian and he asked me if it was happy or sad tears. I'm still not sure. If I think about it too much I start to well up again. I'm happy that he is a boy, but at the same time it's hard. When I try to think of his name the first name that pops into my mind is Benjamin. Then William (Benjamin's middle name). I know it's not him (obviously) but those are the names that come to mind.

It's kind of bittersweet that he is a boy. I'm happy because I love having boys. There is no bond like that between a mother and her son. I love Lexi to pieces but she is totally a Daddy's girl and Jackson is a Momma's boy. It works for us. Now we have another little boy to love. Hopefully I'll get another Momma's boy. I'm sad that he's a boy because I know I'll compare him to how I imagine Benjamin to have been. I didn't do that with Lexi because the comparison was hard since she was a girl. I never imagined Benjamin wearing all her frilly pink clothes. I did imagine him wearing Jackson's hand me downs. I imagined him playing with Jackson's trucks and trains (Lexi did too, but not as much). I imagined the brother bond between Jackson and Benjamin and Jackson teaching Benjamin how to do all the crazy boy stuff. Obviously it's been similar to the brother/sister bond that I've seen develop between Jackson and Lexi, but it's still not the same. Now I'll see all of that come to life. I'll see Thomas be our son, grow up with Jackson's hand me downs, develop a brother bond with him. I'll see Lexi with two brothers protecting her, in person not just in spirit. It is just bittersweet and hard to accurately explain.

But he will NOT be the child in the shadows. He will not be the replacement. The last chance for the son we lost. He is Thomas (or Peanut). He is our forth child. Our third son. He is loved and adored for the splendid little boy that he is. For being himself. And at that, he is perfect.